Back Just In Time For Halloween

Hey assholes! I'm back from the honeymoon to Italy, which means 2 things: 1) I can save time on my blogs by just saying Mrs. Grump instead of Mrs. Grump-to-be (oh and I have a lifetime partner, soulmate, etc). 2) I have plenty of European adventures to describe and, more importantly, to bitch about. Starting Monday, I'll be posting ten days worth of sharing my thoughts on what's great and what sucks about traveling to Italy.

Today, however, I need to warm up the old blogging muscles so I'm going to give a shout out to my favorite holiday: Halloween. And to do so, I'll be hitting you up with a list of some spookiness that can make your Halloween just a little bit more...er, Halloweenier? Ugh, I really do need to shake the cobwebs off here. Anyway, on to the list!

Halloweentastic Movie: Stir of Echoes


Most people go for the obvious classics on Halloween, especially the John Carpenter movie of the same name. And while I'm usually an 80s slasher guy, there is something special about Stir of Echoes that keeps me coming back for more. A large part of that is due to a great show by Sir Kevin Bacon, who plays a man who's been hypnotized and gains the power to see a ghost trying to give him a message. More importantly though, is that the movie is just plain creepy. There's not a lot of gore, which is admittedly not often a plus for me. What it does have, however, is enough tension and atmosphere to make a freaky goddamn movie. Even after repeated viewings, it still gives me chills.

Halloweentastic Television: Psych-"Tuesday the 17th"


I was going to let my geek flag fly here with a nod to Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel, but I can only take so much of people laughing at me. Fortunately I've been watching the third season of Psych today and my favorite episode came on. If you aren't familiar with Psych, basically it's a better version of The Mentalist that came out before The Mentalist. In the epidose "Tuesday the 17th," fake detective Sean Spencer is asked to solve a mystery at a camp where there was a mysterious death years before. It's essentially just a nod to every great slasher horror flick of the 70s and 80s. Even if you wind up not liking the show, you can play a drinking game where you drink every time there is a horror reference.

Halloweentastic Book: The Dragon Factory


I did a post on Jonathan Maberry a little while ago and I mentioned that I was looking forward to his new book, The Dragon Factory. I used down time during the honeymoon to finally get around to reading it, and it's another winner from Maberry. It's filled with evil science run amok, and a great group of love-to-hate-em villains to make great matches for the good guys lead once again by Joe Ledger, one of my favorite horror/action badasses. If you're anything like me, you'll probably want to start off with the first book of the series, Patient Zero, but if you're not bothered by starting from the beginning than you probably won't lose much in terms of understanding what's going on in The Dragon Factory. It's just a lot of good, bloody mayhem.

Halloweentastic Short Story: "Masque of the Red Death"


I'm actually not a big fan of a lot of Edgar Alan Poe's work. My tendency towards the spooky made me really want to like him, but to be honest he gets a little too up his own ass using big, highfalutin' words to be truly scary. Or maybe I'm just one of the dumber people to bullshit his way to an English degree. Either way, I just can't get into most of his stories. Masque of the Red Death is different. Poe claimed that a short story should elicit one emotion from beginning to end, and "Masque of the Red Death" does that perfectly. The tale depicts a group of aristocrats who isolate themselves in a castle to protect themselves from a plague, when they are confronted by a silent stranger. The only emotion that I felt throughout the story was one of impending doom. There really aren't any surprises, but that doesn't make it pack any less of an impact. Take five minutes at around midnight tonight and read "Masque of the Red Death." Good luck getting to sleep afterward.

Halloweentastic Video Game: Friday the 13th


Ok, so let's just get something out of the way. As video game experiences go, this game is pretty fucking stupid. As a counselor at Camp Crystal Lake, it's your job to protect the campers from hockey-mask donning zombie hillbilly Jason Voorhees. And if that seems like a bad idea for a game, well you're pretty much right on the money. It's repetitive and it was made for the original Nintendo so the graphics suck. But I can't help but like this game and for some odd reason it actually still kind of scares me. The soundtrack is actually quite eerie for something that sounds like it was composed on the dial pad on a telephone. Plus, the game tells you what cabin you need to go to in order to find Jason, which surprisingly adds tension as you wait for the moment when he's going to pop on screen. Although, since this is what he looks like in the game...


I guess it's hard to be too intimidated. But what can I say, it's an entertaining homage to one of my favorite horror franchises. I'm kind of obligated to like it.

So there you go. Just a few things to darken up your All Hallow's Eve and to get me writing again. If you've got any suggestions for me I'm always looking out for new things to give me the heebie jeebies. Otherwise, I shall see you all again on Monday, where I'll be starting things off by tearing Lufthansa a new asshole for fucking Mrs Grump and I over at the start of our honeymoon. I know, airline humor...that's some original shit right there.

Oh, and just in case "Masque of the Red Death" doesn't keep you up tonight, enjoy this Halloweentastic costume: The Tron guy.

William Zabka: Evolution of a Cinematical Cockbag

I found this story by the Huffington Post today about the phenomenon of the bully in 80's movies, and my first thought was how sad it is that I know and often quote all but one or two of the movies represented in the video montage. My second thought was how great it is that actor William Zabka made up about 40% of all the bullies who make an appearance. Anyone even remotely versed in 80's movies probably knows Zabka as Johnny Lawrence, leader of everyone's favorite group of violent sociopaths from the Cobra Kai dojo.

But that's not all Zabka has done. He's primarily known for three movies from the 80s: The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, and Back to School (all quality films, by the way). And in all three of those movies, the phrase "arrogant dickhead" plays a key role in his characterization. But I think what makes Zabka's progression as an 80s movie douche bag so interesting is that instead of amping up the menace factor, he actually becomes substantially more effete in each movie.

First, look at The Karate Kid. Essentially, he spends the majority of the movie trying to beat a small Italian boy to death for looking at his girlfriend the wrong way. You've probably already seen the following clip of Johnny and his fellow Cobra Kai dressed as skeletons while doling out what must be the 3rd or 4th severe beating to walking punching bag Daniel LaRusso, but take one more look and carefully consider what the kick at 1:15 of the video would have done had it connected:



He was running full-tilt to kick a person in the face that could no longer stand under his own power. Without Mr. Myagi's interference, how does that sequence of events end in anything less than voluntary manslaughter? I mean, I know it's Ralph Macchio and all so I understand the rage, but isn't that still just a bit too harsh? Suffice to say, this was not a man with whom to fuck.

Part two in the trilogy sees Zabka bulking up to play more of the classic style of weight-lifter jock for the gender-swap comedy Just One of the Guys. Now, physically he made for a much more intimidating presence, but aside from lifting weights he doesn't seem to be all that competent in committing manly/violent acts. In fact, his most menacing display is to take a girl dressed up as a boy and throw her into some bushes. When he actually finds himself in a fist fight with one of the skinniest males in the entire school, he winds up getting his ass handed to him. And this was even after sucker-punching the kid. In reality, someone who lifts as many weights as Greg Toland was purported to have lifted should be able to not only knock someone out with a sucker punch, but probably do some critical damage to the face and skull. Instead, the guy just stands up, shakes it off, and proceeds to pummel this supposed bully and leave him in a heap on the ground. Plus, on a side note, everyone seems to point out that Toland has smaller-than-average genitalia. And how can anyone with a small penis possibly be a threat?

I'm going to kick your ass, geek. What? No, I don't need tweezers to pee. Why does everyone ask me that?

Back to School represents Zabka's final foray into bullydom, but this time he's only a bully in the loosest sense of the word. First of all, his name is Chas Osborne, and his sport of choice is diving. This sounds more like the lead in gay porn than it does an 80s villain. Plus, rather than beating the shit out of everything with a pulse, he spends most of the time making snarky comments and getting his balls busted by the likes of Robert Downey, Jr. And then there's his hair. In what world could this possibly be even the least bit threatening:

Chas Osborne could wipe out entire villages with nothing but his balls and I still would not be intimidated by him if he had that haircut while he did it.

So what happened? I guess when you start of as a maniacal psychopath there really isn't anywhere to go but down. I guess you could say he was trying to portray a more sympathetic, vulnerable villain later in his career. You could also say that he had a choice jack and shit in his movie role offers and he had to make due. But really, it doesn't matter. Effeminate or not, William Zabka will always be a staple in the land of the 80s asshole, and the best part is that he's completely in on the joke. If you've remember the video for flash in the pan band No More Kings and their song "Sweep the Leg," you might be surprised to know that aside from starring in it, Zabka directed it as well. So whether you are a homicidal martial artist or a bitchy diving prima donna, I salute you, sir.