Take The Edge Off With The Greatest Kick To The Head I've Ever Seen

While I don't talk about it much on here, I'm pretty much addicted to mixed martial arts. I suppose that makes sense, since I use this blog as a forum to bitch about the things I don't like. But I saw a clip this week that I feel should be seen by as many people as possible. Therefore, I'm dusting off the "Take The Edge Off" post so that I can share this with anyone who may not be familiar with MMA and have not seen it. And if you are one of those people who still think that MMA is nothing more than "human cockfighting," well you are just wrong and I'm not in the mood to try and explain why.

First, you should know that the following clip comes from the final airing of a company known as World Extreme Cagefighting. Lame titles aside, it's been known as one of the few organizations to make the guys over at Ultimate Fighting Championships turn their heads. In fact, the owners of the UFC bought WEC, and used it as a forum for the smaller weight classes to show their stuff. The UFC recently decided to merge those weight classes into its own organization, so the fighters will have a home but there will no longer be a WEC.

Well, the final fight that the WEC broadcast this past Thursday is making waves as a potential fight of the year. Lightweight fighters Ben Henderson and Anthony Pettis put together a 25 minute epic fight, probably because they both knew that a win meant better job security going into the merger. I do have to admit, because the fight aired on Versus and I'm too poor to buy that TV package, I didn't get to see the whole fight. But we can all take a look at the move that probably earned Pettis a decision victory over Henderson.



I'm pretty sure I could watch that kick five times a day for the rest of my life and it would never, ever get old. It's just got everything. It's flashy. It's unexpected. It snaps Henderson's head back like a whip. The only thing I can't believe is that Henderson wasn't knocked out by that kick. That man must be a cyborg, because I'm fairly certain a kick like that would have made me cry. Not just tears in my eyes, either. I'm talking full-blown wailing in the middle of the cage. I wouldn't have cared who saw me.

I'd say the only disappointing thing about the kick is that Pettis gave it the rather weak name of the "Showtime Kick." I mean, I guess it's not a terrible name, but that kick deserves better than "not terrible." I'm thinking something along the lines of "The Deathfoot" or "The Decapitanator." Something with a capitalized "The" in front of it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. If not, watch it again because you must be doing it wrong.

Take The Edge Off With Down Periscope

I got back from my Labor Day weekend camping trip today. Had a great time down in Rehoboth Beach. Camped with Ms. Grump, enjoyed the beach, got the obligatory sunburn, and went out to eat where we were served by one of the many Eastern Europeans who live in Rehoboth Beach. Don't believe me? Go to the Delmarva area sometime and if you go out to eat more than twice I guarantee you will have a blond girl in her late teens or early twenties telling you to "For please to enjoy your dinnertime."

Oddly enough, though, after a fun weekend away with my special lady, the part that inspired me to come back to my "Take The Edge Off" segment after many weeks off was the movie we watched when we got back, Down Periscope. And I can't even tell you this is a good movie. In fact, on paper, it's kind of a piece of shit. Kelsey Grammar plays a submarine captain who is put in charge of a Korean era vessel with a rag tag group of misfit sailors in an exercise set up to fail by the douche bag admiral played by professional douche bag Bruce Dern. It's not exactly inspired film making.

But it's also one of those movies that I cannot help but watch whenever it's on. It's just so committed to its crappiness that I just have to smile the whole way through. Everyone knows this is a stupid movie, and so they just go for it. Rob Schneider, the master of giving his all to cinematic turds, is great as the second in command. The director, even on a B-level movie like this one, knew to keep Schneider's role secondary and as brief as possible so as to keep him from getting stale. Basically, he just comes in from time to time to act like an asshole, especially towards the cook, and then he gets thrown off the boat two thirds of the way through the movie. Oh yeah, spoiler alert, by the way.

The always underrated Harland Williams also has a great role (I'm using this term relatively folks) as the "ears" of the sub, which basically consists of running jokes about how he can hear even the faintest of noises. Unfortunately, the fine contributors over at YouTube haven't felt the need to keep the stock of quality Down Periscope clips up to date, so all I have for you is a poor definition segment featuring Williams impersonating a whale. I still think it's funny though.



I think the only thing I could have really done without in this movie was the character Stepanek, who seems to be an attempt to include a good looking bad boy male in the cast. I'm pretty indifferent as to how well they pull this off in the movie, but when I see the guy who plays Stepanek, I can't help but think that he probably had hopes that this would be his big break into leading man stardom. And since I couldn't tell you what the hell the actor's name is at this point, I think we all know how that turned out for him. That kind of makes me sad.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I may be giving you bad advice in recommending this movie. I'm just picturing you watching this movie and deciding 15 minutes into it that I'm an idiot and should not contaminating the internet with my stupid bullshit. But then I remember that that I'm not the only one in my circle of friends who likes the movie. Plus, the internet is already filled with stupid bullshit, so a little bit more can't hurt. So I say give the movie a shot. If you have Netflix, you can even watch Down Periscope free through instant streaming, so it's not like you have a whole lot to lose. A more ringing endorsement you are not likely to find. And, if nothing else, you can play "Spot Patton Oswalt" in his Extras-like two line role in the movie.

Take The Edge Off With The Peek-A-Boo Revue

So, if anyone ever asks me what makes Mrs. Grump to Be so great and I don't have time to get into the extensive list of why she's far too good for me, I think all I need to do is explain what she did this weekend for our last anniversary before becoming husband and wife. She could have made me find an overpriced French restaurant and buy her even more overpriced roses. She could have made me wear an uncomfortable suit and listen to snooty music. Instead, she came up with the idea of taking me and some of our friends to a BURLESQUE SHOW.

And this, my friends, was one hell of a show. The troupe is called the Peek-A-Boo Revue, and aside from the primary attraction of ladies revealing their boobies, it was genuinely entertaining. The hosts, Count Scotchula and Joey Martini, overcome a couple of really stupid names by being extremely funny. They were self-deprecating, improvised well, and just really seemed to be enjoying themselves. I know, it's a real stretch to imagine two guys enjoying being a part of a T & A extravaganza, but it's true.

It also helped that apart from being attractive and willing to disrobe, the ladies in the show were great performers. They could dance (and not just of the "pole" variety) and some of them could sing. Not to say that some tried and couldn't, just that some just stuck to dancing. The ladies were also really funny. One girl in particular, Christa Dagger, seemed to pop up in every other sketch and play everything from an ex dancer from In Living Color to a Liza Minnelli impersonator who is far more entertaining than Liza Minnelli.

And, yes, I'd be completely full of shit if I didn't point out that I really enjoyed watching some quality stripping. There was a wide variety of women who all brought something a little different to their teases. But what made it fun was that none of them seemed to be uncomfortable. It wasn't a dark, smoky room filled with drunken frat boys stuffing dollar bills down the underwear of a girl trying to pay her bills. These ladies were enjoying themselves, which made the whole spectacle much more fun and, dare I say it, sexy.

So, I realize that the intent of "Take the Edge Off" is to introduce you to things that you might enjoy, and that is going to be kind of hard for an act that sticks mainly to the Philly area. But I'm sure you can find a burlesque show in a city near you. It might be as good as Peek-A-Boo Revue, and it might not. To be honest, I don't care. I just wanted to tell everyone that I went to a burlesque show. And it was awesome. And I have the most awesome fiance on the planet. Suck on that, losers.

Take the Edge Off with Toy Story 3, or Grumpy Movie Review: Toy Story 3

Yet again I post a late version of Take the Edge Off, this time due to a big graduation party for Mrs. Grump-to-be's cousins, of which I believe she has about 30 or 40. After getting back we didn't really want to do anything in the 95 degree heat, so we went to catch Toy Story 3. This is a slight shift from my posts about Nightmare on Elm Street and Phantasm, and yes I usually tend towards the violent/gory/dark/adult/raunchy/more violent movie genres, but Mrs. Grump-to-be has been a good influence on me in terms of expanding my theatrical palette. Our first date was a drive-in that was playing Madagascar, and in the 5 years since I've seen pretty much every major animated release (except Wall-E for some reason), and I have to admit they are a lot of fun and make for a good balance to my usual fare.

I was a bit concerned about Toy Story 3, however, but only because it's rare that the third installment of any movie is ever good. Shrek 3 was pretty sub par, and while I haven't seen it I have yet to meet anyone who said Spider-Man 3 was anything more than a crime against the first two movies. So, I was a bit tentative about how entertaining it could be to watch Woody, Buzz, and the rest of Andy's toys deal with the conflicts that arise from being toys yet again. Plus, I'd only seen bits and pieces of Toy Story 2, and there is a large part of me that views watching movies out of sequence as sacrilegious. But Mrs. Grump-to-be had been itching to see it for a while and the reviews were all really good so I gave it a try, and was rewarded by a great movie.

While the overall production value of all animated movies has increased at an amazing rate, I think what I like the most about Pixar movies is that, no matter what the topic, I am in for a display of epic grandeur. In the case of Toy Story 3, the whole film takes place in a small portion of a small town, yet as Woody and Co. find themselves accidentally donated to the local daycare center as Andy prepares for college, the movie takes on the characteristics of great escape movies like... well, The Great Escape, I suppose. All you have to do is replace asshole fascist nazis with asshole fascist toys. Suddenly, a thrown-away toy is a casualty of war, and to be honest it actually made me feel bad for all of the toys that I've thrown away over the years. But then I remember it's a goddamn toy and it doesn't have feelings or Tom Hanks' voice. But still...what if they did?

Returning to the topic of trilogies, I think the best thing that Toy Story 3 has going for it is that it was comfortable with ending the series on a satisfying note without forcing an overblown finale or deliberately leaving the door open for another movie. I'm guessing that since Pixar usually seems to have a handful of irons in the fire (I hear that Cars 2 is on the way) they don't need to milk a franchise until it becomes stale. Again, I need to mention about how Shrek 3 screwed the pooch. So the writers for Toy Story 3 had the luxury of making sure they did this thing right, which they very much did. When the end credits started to roll, none of the characters fates are left hanging, and no questions are left unanswered. And, better yet, they were all answered well.

Whether part of a trilogy or not, few animated films do well if they don't include a lot of great laughs, and Toy Story 3 did not disappoint. The main characters all hit of their notes, including a fantastic scene with a "Mr. Tortilla Head," but the stand-out for me was a metrosexual Ken doll voiced by Michael Keaton. This may just be a personal thing for me, however, as I just like the idea of Michael Keaton getting more good work. He's one of those underrated actors who has a lot of great roles under his belt like Johnny Dangerously (why, hello there, future Take the Edge Off post), Batman, and, of course:

\

Unfortunately, Keaton seems to have fallen off the radar a bit lately, but with his turn as Ken and an upcoming role in the Mark Wahlberg/Will Ferrell buddy comedy movie The Other Guys, maybe Keaton is building towards a comeback.

At this point it shouldn't be too much of a surprise when Pixar releases a good movie, but this was the first time they'd gone back to the same story for a second time, which is a task that has proven to be too much for many other good writers/directors. However, with Toy Story 3, Pixar avoided the pitfalls of a trilogy-ender and gave Andy's toys a great send off. Hopefully Cars 2 does well so that, finally, we can see the Incredibles sequels that Mrs. Grump-to-be and I have been waiting for since the last one ended.

Grade: A-

Take the Edge Off with Catching Big Freaking Fish

I think the best thing about writing your own blog is that you don't get any points taken off for turning your work in. That said, here is my post meant for last Saturday...

Sunday was the time of year for perhaps the only tradition my dad and I actually observe, our annual blue fishing trip. Every year since 2005, we go get up waaaaay too early, drive to Belmar, New Jersey, and hop on a party boat to spend the better part of the day following schools of blue fish around the Atlantic Coast. I've been able to think back to determine that this year was actually our 6th year making the trip. Join me for a trip down memory lane with a quick timeline:

2005-on a whim, Dad and I decide to celebrate Father's Day by going blue fishing, something I hadn't done in years because the gentle motion of waves on a breezy summer day used to make me puke until I wanted to die. This time, I take Dramamine and am talked into believing the bullshit story that wearing a blue bracelet that puts pressure on the veins in my wrist will prevent me from vomiting. Since I don't vomit, I choose to believe it. We catch so many fish and have such a great day that we decide to make it a yearly thing.

2006-We bring one of my best friends with us, and he chooses to wear gloves with the fingertips cut off. We make abundant amounts of fun of him. Once again catch a lot of fish. Oh, and I still believe the bullshit bracelet thing.

2007-This year I don't wear the blue bracelets and am quite surprised to find that solely with the use of Dramamine, I am the only one of our group of 4 that does not get seasick. One of the guys in said group impresses us all by being the only person I've ever met who could puke and laugh at the same time. Catch decent amount of fish.

2008-This is the only year that comes close to being a bad trip. The first mate of the Miss Belmar Princess is new, and turns out to be a world class fuckface. He's a big, fat, baldy-headed douche bag who does little more than badmouth the customers to other customers. He won't supply us with a bucket to keep the fish in, even though we tell him that we don't eat fish and plan on giving it to the mates to sell and only want to keep track of of the fish we catch just in case we catch a fish big enough to win the pool that we entered at the beginning of the trip. Dad decides to throw fish back after catching them, ignoring baldy-fatty's exclamations that he would keep the fish if we didn't want them. However, even though we had to deal with the cream of New Jersey's crap, we still manage to have a good time and catch some fish.

2009-When we get to the marina at Belmar, we see Baldy is still working on the Miss Belmar. Pops asks again if we can use a bucket, and again the prick says no. So, we take our first trip on our favorite new boat, the Golden Eagle! If you ever find yourself in Belmar looking for a blue fishing trip, use the Golden Eagle. The crew is a bunch of young guys, but they are great workers, friendly as hell, and are great with a gaff (gaff=big hook used to pull fish out of the water; they are too heavy to lift over with your rod). We again have a great day.

And that brings us to this year's trip, which was another great adventure. The one pain in the ass that comes every year is having to be up by 4:00am for Dad to pick me up, otherwise we won't get that coveted spot at the stern of the boat (that's the back of the boat to ye, matey). But it's Father's Day so I take one for the team, mainly so that I don't have to listen to Dad bitch and moan all day. This year was a little bit weird as there was a heavy fog off the coast, so we couldn't see more than a couple hundred yards in either direction. It made me feel very isolated from the rest of the world, which was an odd sensation. It didn't last, however, as we were eventually joined by all of the other boats from the Belmar marina, including, guess who...the Miss Belmar. And, if I liked the crew of the Golden Eagle before, what happened next pushed me into a full-on mancrush. As it turns out, these guys share our disdain for Baldy, so they were tearing him a new asshole while we chimed in (lamely). Then they realized that not only had one of the idiots from the Miss Belmar let their line out too far so that it was getting tangled in our lines, but the jackass actually had a fish on. So, one of the mates grabbed the line and proceeded to gaff the fish and keep it for the Golden Eagle, and since the line had become tangled in my Dad's reel, Pop decided just to cut the thing. So hopefully one of the guests on the Miss Belmar took away from his experience that if you fish with them, you will lose your fishing lure and another boat will end up with your fucking fish. Maybe next year we'll find out that Baldy is unemployed.

So needless to say it was another great year. We didn't catch quite as many fish as we have in previous years, but the ones we did catch were pretty damn big. In fact, I'm pretty sure the first fish I caught is the biggest fish I've ever caught in my life. Dad says it was probably about 10 or 11 pounds, so I'll round it off to an even 40. And, lest anyone ever try and say that I'm a bad fiance, after twelve hours worth of fishing/travel/getting sunburnt, I came home, showered, helped Mrs. Grump-to-Be entertain some friends for our housewarming dinner, and THEN cleaned up afterwards. If anyone is familiar with the application for sainthood, be sure to let me know because I'm quite obviously a shoe-in.

Take the Edge Off with Phantasm

Alright, so this week I was all excited because I thought I was going to be writing about the Zombie Beach party that I went to last night. I heard about the event almost a month ago, and I've been looking forward to it ever since. It was at the Trocadero, one of the cooler bars in Philadelphia, and they advertised zombie make up stations and a live band. I really thought I'd just be using this week's "Take the Edge Off" to gush about the awesome time I had last night. The only problem is that it wasn't quite as great as I'd hoped. First of all, they made you pay to get made up like a zombie, which I guess I should have expected but I was hoping they would have included that in the admission price. And since they were charging a minimum of 10 goddamn dollars to get zombified, I was the only one of my group who actually bothered, which deprived me the sight of Mrs. Grump-to-be in a sexy zombie get up. If you think it's weird that I would find that sexy, well I'm sure Mrs. Grump-to-be would agree with you. Even with me being the only one getting zombified we blew through our money so quickly that the people I was with didn't even really have the chance to get drunk, which is probably the state you'd need to be in to enjoy the band that was playing. So, while I wouldn't exactly call the night a bust (I would go again next year but I'd just do my own make up) it didn't exactly give me the inspiration for a whole post.

Therefore, I'm going to roll with the zombie theme and talk about one of my favorite horror movies, the super low-budget but still awesome Phantasm. I'd mention that it was directed by Don Coscarelli and starred Michael Baldwin, Bill Thornbury, and Reggie Bannister but if you've never seen Phantasm those names probably mean absolutely nothing to you. In fact, if you've heard of Phantasm at all, it's probably because of...

the killer balls that fly through the air and drill into people's heads. I'm guessing this is probably the point where I lose most of you because the concept either seems disgusting, lame, or a combination of both. However, if you dig under that layer of B-Movie cheese, Phantasm really is an effective horror movie.


I think the big mistake that people who don't like horror movies make is to compare them with other genres in terms of what makes for a good movie. If you're not willing to completely suspend disbelief for two hours, then you'll be disappointed. Take Phantasm's basic premise: an evil being from another dimension is robbing graves to turn the dead into zombie dwarfs to be enslaved on his home world. Obviously, there is no way to approach that without it sounding pretty dumb. But here's the thing: conventionally well-written scripts and plot structure does not make a good horror movie. So why watch at all? Well, let's take a look at what makes Phantasm a worthy horror film.

Of course, one of the most important elements of any good horror movie is a memorable villain, and Phantasm boasts one of the scariest senior citizens in the history of film, The Tall Man. The Tall Man is the undertaker at the Morningside Funeral Home, which gives him ample opportunity for the aforementioned grave robbing. What makes The Tall Man such a great villain is his presence. Actor Angus Scrimm takes a very minimalist approach, having literally only about a dozen words worth of lines in the whole movie. But he really doesn't need to say anything. Take one look at that twisted scowl and you know that he's got some bad intentions. He freaks you out, gets your adrenaline pumping, and his is a face that stays with you long after the movie ends. That, my friends, is one of the things you look for in a good horror film.

Now, there are two schools of thought when it comes to the protagonists of a horror movie. In slasher films like Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street, it's OK if the characters are likable but really their only purpose is to serve as cannon fodder for the anti-heroes like Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger. Their characterizations rarely get beyond that of "jock" or "slut" because we know they won't be around long enough for anyone to really give a shit about them anyway. In a movie like Phantasm, however, we're not really expected to root for the villain, so you have to make the good guys important enough to the audience for them to actually care if they live or die. Considering there are no name actors in the movie, I think they really do a good job at making the audience care. Bill Thornbury and Michael Baldwin play brothers Jody and Mike, respectively, and I had no trouble buying them as a family with their own history that carries into the movie. As they get taken through the ringer while facing off with the Tall Man I really found myself hoping they would both make it through the movie. Then there's Reggie Bannister playing Reggie, the local "hot as love" ice cream man. I know that he sounds like a schmuck, but I guarantee he makes it work, and again by making you like him there is more suspense when he's put in harm's way.

And if you're going to have anyone harmed in a horror movie, you better do it well. Special effects can make or break any horror movie, and I'm not going to bother trying to explain it. I'm just going to show you the following clip from the movie Shark Attack 3.



Granted, I don't think special effects were the only thing holding back Shark Attack 3 from being a masterpiece, but if we're being asked to put what we know about reality on the shelf for a little while, there should be at least a little effort to fool us. In Phantasm's case, director Don Coscarelli does very nice work with minimal budget. He uses clever editing and camera angles to toy with the viewer's sense of reality, and there are some very good practical effects for some gnarly gore scenes. Granted, he misses the mark a few times, like with a killer bug that appears to be controlled by fishing line, or zombie dwarfs that come of as kind of silly, but for the most part he does what he needs to do to keep the audience involved rather than pointing out sub par effects.

A last thing that gives Phantasm a final push into being a quality horror film is the soundtrack. If the soundtrack sucks, especially in a horror movie, then it can bring the whole movie down with it. But if it's done right, a soundtrack can set the tone for the entire movie. It doesn't need to be an elaborate symphony, either. John Carpenter did his own music when he made Halloween, but even people who don't watch horror movies recognize that frantic piano melody that seems to follow Michael Myers around wherever he goes. And as much as I love the soundtrack to Halloween, I actually like Phantasm's even more. It's got a very spooky vibe, but at the same time there is a haunting soothing sensation that comes from it. It's just hard to forget, which in turn makes the movie hard to forget.

Now, I'm really not expecting to change anyone's mind when it comes to horror movies. In most cases either people like them or they don't. But hopefully people who look down their noses at horror movies will realize that us horror fans aren't demented idiots just because we like movies that critics crap all over on a regular basis. Horror movies do have something to add to the world of cinema, even if it is just as an entertaining way to kill some time. Phantasm in particular is really great for what it is: a creepy movie made by a group of people with almost no budget who wanted to give people some good scares. Take a gander at the trailer below, and if you ever come across the movie give it a chance. It may surprise you.

Take the Edge Off with Bill Hicks

Although this was only a four day week, I have to say it pretty much sucked. I spent the whole time coming down from my move over Memorial Day Weekend, which wasn't helped by the fact that it takes me a while to get used to sleeping in a new place. Plus, my douche bag of a cat, Floyd, has decided that a closed bedroom door is no match for his power to meow and headbutt the fucking thing until I completely snap. So I've spent the last few days pissed at the world, and I've found that there are few better cures for being pissed off than watching someone else who is even more pissed off. Enter Mr. Bill Hicks.



I'm actually surprised at how few people of my generation are familiar with Bill Hicks, but I guess it's understandable considering he died of cancer when people my age were only 10 years old. I hadn't ever even heard of him until I was in college and I stumbled on to a clip of his act online. I consider myself lucky to have found him, though, because he presents a very rare combination of liberal, humanist ideology and Southern style. Usually, when you see a guy come out on stage wearing a cowboy hat and boots, you can probably look forward to a night of fag jokes and observations about how Barack Hussein Obama and Saddam Hussein are related. Not to say that everyone in real life who dresses like a cowboy is a homophobic racist, but I think we can all agree that the folks in the entertainment community like to stick with conventional wisdom (aka cliche stereotypes) when creating a persona. So when Bill Hicks comes on stage, with his Georgian twang and "fuck you" swagger, it's fascinating to see that attitude pointed at fundamentalist Christians.



Part of what makes Hicks so interesting to watch is the sincerity of his anger with the world. He actually used to be friends with another ranting comic, Denis Leary, until Hicks got pissed at Leary for stealing his material. Now I'm a fan of Denis Leary, but you do get a sense that his ranting and raving is amped up to promote his "angry guy" image. Most of the time it works, but you can tell he's doing it deliberately for effect. When Hicks get rolling, however, it seems to be coming from place that's much more genuine.



Hicks actually gets to a place where he doesn't even seem to know the audience is there. He's not trying to impress people by crafting a witty rant. Hell, eventually he just starts screaming. In my opinion he even starts to risk losing the audience, getting to that point where, if he was just your friend or someone you were listening to at a party, you'd tell him to calm the fuck down and go take a time out for a few minutes. But at the same time, you have to admire that kind of earnest feeling from an entertainer.

That earnest sense of righteousness and his mission to cut through the world's bullshit is what makes Bill Hicks' legacy. It's even the topic of a new documentary coming out on him, which judging by the trailer is pushing a little heavy on the angle of Hicks as the revolutionary voice of his generation. That may be, but first and foremost Hicks was a comedian. He was there to make people laugh, and when he wasn't working himself into a frothing lunatic he was just a goofy, funny dude.



So, if you find yourself in a funk where you've just had enough of dealing with the stupidity life throws your way, remember that there was a guy who had to deal with it on a whole different level. Just do what I do. Hop on to YouTube, type Bill Hicks into the search box, and just pick a video at random and let Bill get pissed off so that you don't have to anymore. I leave you with Bill Hicks' bit from the Late Show, the only bit that David Letterman ever chose to completely cut from the on-air broadcast due to content.

Take the Edge Off with Jonathan Maberry

Well, I've been doing this segment for a few weeks now, and so far I've covered music, food, TV, and movies as a source of distraction for the increasingly irritating world that we live in. I realize, however, that I haven't talked about anything to do with reading. So this week I'd like to prove that I'm not illiterate by introducing you to one of my favorite authors, Jonathan Maberry.

I stumbled on Maberry's work by blind luck one day at Border's horror section. I was looking for something new without having much of a plan, so I utilized my fool-proof technique of looking for a book with an interesting cover. Screw reading book reviews or getting recommendations from friends. That's for weak-minded people who are too afraid to take things at face value (I came this close to using "judge a book by its cover," but I just couldn't bring myself to do it). In the case of Maberry's novel Bad Moon Rising, I distinctly remember the first thing that attracted me to it was that the cover was red. I know, I have quite the analytical mind.

As someone who grew up surrounded by farmland in Lancaster, PA, the house on the cover was both creepy and familiar, which piqued my interest. Then when I found out on the back cover that the story actually takes place in Pennsylvania, I knew that this was the book for me... but not quite yet. This was actually the third book of what's become known as the Pine Deep trilogy, a story that follows the survivors of an evil werewolf only to have to face his resurrection 30 years later. So, I picked up the first book of the trilogy, Ghost Road Blues, and started what has become the best series of books that I've ever read.

Before we go any further, I should warn you that if you are looking for a life-changing experience out of this read, you've come to the wrong place. Dostoevski this is not. It is a perfect read for people who, like me, love the horror of the 80s. This is a world of vampires and werewolves, and unlike other book series that rhyme with Schwilight, these vampires and werewolves are actually threatening. They provide plenty of action and even more gore, and Maberry weaves a mythology that interweaves their existence in a very interesting way.

Maberry also has a talent for is writing a very likeable hero. Malcom Crow is the perfect balance between vulnerable everyman and certifiable badass. As a former cop turned store owner/haunted hayride manager, he's basically what you would get if everyone's favorite, unassuming neighbor was actually dealing with the psychological effects of being attacked by a werewolf as a child and had the ability to break both of your legs with his bare hands.

And that's another thing: Jonathan Maberry depicts a fight scene better than anyone I've ever read. According to his Wikipedia page, Maberry is an 8th degree black belt in Shinowara-ryu Jujitsu and his official website lists several books that he's written on martial arts. This experience really comes through in his writing, as he takes the reader through the mind of each fighter and realistically (or at least as realistically as can be expected in a book with vampires and werewolves) describes each blow's intention and consequence in a way that is easy to visualize.

Maberry actually does a great job of helping the reader visualize everything in the world he's created. As someone who has pretty much killed is sense of imagination by relying on movies and TV to provide one for me, I often find myself lost in the gobbledy gook of description in a novel. Maberry, however, had me visualizing everything as if I were in fact watching a movie. Now, this could be because the story takes place in a fictional Pennsylvania town that I imagine to look very much like the places I've lived, but I think more of it has to do with Maberry's ability to describe a scene without trying to be too clever and therefore getting his head stuck in his ass. He's efficient in his descriptions, and that makes me as a reader get lost in the novel very easily.

My one and only complaint in Maberry's writing is that he sometimes makes references that will inherently date his material. Maybe it's just me, but it feels weird having someone refer to a character in a novel use an iPod. I realize the iPod probably isn't going anywhere so people reading Maberry's stuff in the future will know what he's talking about, but something about his references feel like he just thought of something popular off the top of his head without giving it much significance. This is especially true in contrast to the blues songs that he quotes throughout the book, that have an important relevance to the narration.

Nonsensical nitpicking aside, the Pine Deep trilogy only took me a month or
two to read, which for someone like me is a lightening fast pace (hm, maybe I am illiterate). It was one of those reads that I knew I was going to love within one page, and it's stayed with me ever since. His next trilogy based on a new character, Joe Ledger, starts off on the right foot with Patient Zero, a book that delves into the world of terrorists and zombies. Honestly, I don't think I should have to say anything more about that. Terrorists! Zombies! And trust me, I've read it and it's as awesome as it sounds. So, as with everything else I recommend, get off your ass right now and give Jonathan Maberry a try. My plan is to head out ASAP to pick up his newest Joe Ledger novel, The Dragon Factory.

Take the Edge Off with Hot Fuzz

I seem to be on a kick with British comedians' "other" work. Last week I featured some of the highlights from Ricky Gervais' Extras, a show that I will defend to the death as being better than the UK version of The Office. I do realize that this may just be because The Office seems to be the show of choice for hipster cock knockers who are too cool for "broad" comedy. Oh I see, we're all above a nice fart joke, are we? Well I hope you get hit by a car the next time you're riding your retro bicycle through downtown traffic you messenger bag-toting, ironic mustache-sporting Commie asshat. You suck.

Soooo....anyway, this week I'd like to move from British TV to British movies and highlight Hot Fuzz, the second movie directed by Edgar Wright and starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Their first movie, Shaun of the Dead, is often hailed as one of the best horror-comedies of all time while Hot Fuzz seems to have gone off by the wayside. Now, I do understand the love for Shaun. Usually horror-comedies wind up being abysmal failures, but Wright, Pegg, and Frost manage to pull off the seemingly impossible task of combining scary and funny. However, I'm just going to have to say it: I like Hot Fuzz more than Shaun of the Dead.

There was a period of time when I'd watch Hot Fuzz about once a month with Mrs. Grumpy-to-Be, and it got funnier every time. I think that's what takes it to the next level for me as compared to Shaun of the Dead. I could watch it every day for a week and I'd probably find something new to laugh at that I'd missed the first time.

For example, in a quick but brilliant cameo by Bill Nighy as the head of the London police force, he makes this very subtle snarl after giving his line that I didn't notice until probably my 5th or 6th viewing (I told you I've seen it a lot). Now you may not give a shit about a facial gesture, but this is my blog so nuts to you.



Another thing that Hot Fuzz has over Shaun is a superior villain. In fact, aside from the whole army of zombies thing, Shaun doesn't really have a villain. Hot Fuzz, however, has Simon Skinner:



Skinner is played by everyone's least favorite Bond, Timothy Dalton, but after his turn as Simon Skinner he gets a lifetime pass from me. Actually I don't think I've ever seen anything else he's been in but he's still fucking awesome now. Simon Skinner is one of those villains that is on par with Shooter "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast" McGavin, where he is such an asshole that by the end of the movie you actually kind of like him. I mean, this is a guy who actually takes the time to come up with a song relevant to the crime he just committed so that he can drive by the crime scene later on and sneer at the police. How can you not love that?

Now, please don't expect Hot Fuzz to change your outlook on life, because then you'll be disappointed and I'll have to read comments about how I don't know shit when it comes to movies. The movie didn't win any Academy Awards, and I doubt that was ever anyone's goal. It's a homage to the violent buddy cop genre made famous by Lethal Weapon, and I think to that end it hits all of the right notes. It's basically a way to waste a couple of hours with a big smile on your face, and I'll always recommend anything that manages to put a smile on my face. So enjoy a montage of a few more clips and then go see the rest of the damn movie. If don't like it, then give it one more try. If you still don't think it's funny, then you're probably one of those aforementioned hipster cock knockers. Never come here again.

Take the Edge Off with Extras

This week's edition of Take the Edge Off may not actually introduce you to something new, as I'm sure most folks have heard of Ricky Gervais' HBO series Extras, but I want to talk about it anyway because there may be a few of you out there who haven't seen it yet, and even if you have you could do with a few clips because it's just too damn funny not to watch now and again.

Now, most people think of Ricky Gervais and they think of the UK version of The Office. His writing and portrayal of middle-management schmuck David Brent ushered in the "awkward moment" era of comedy that focuses on squeezing every painful moment from the consequences of a misspoken word or poorly thought out idea. Of course, we here in the U.S. have embraced (or stole, whatever) this style of comedy with actors like Steve Carrell, Paul Rudd, and Ben Stiller, so Gervais is most often referenced for his influence from The Office. My problem is that The Office can be just too painful at times. Those uncomfortable moments just drag on for what seems like an eternity, and while it's usually hilarious I can only watch a person completely humiliate themselves as David Brent does for so long before it get's to be unbearable.

That's why I prefer Extras. Gervais plays Andy Millman, a starving actor who scrapes by as an extra in various movies while trying to make his big break, and to be honest he's pretty similar to David Brent in that he keeps finding himself in the most uncomfortable situations. But in Extras, the situations are just too over-the-top to be painful, as opposed to the "it could happen to you" faux pas scenarios you find in The Office. I mean, it's hard to imagine yourself in this situation:



Plus, you have to love any tv show that brings on a special guest with the sole purpose of making them look like world class douche bags. It kind of works as a humility barometer to see which actors/actresses will go on the show and play whacked-out caricatures of themselves. Kate Winslet, for example, is a real "goer" when it comes to phone sex, Daniel Radcliffe will hump your leg if given the opportunity, and Orlando Bloom is actually very insecure about his looks. The best guest spot, though, is given by Patrick Stewart, who I actually kind of hope is really like this:

And then, last but not least, there's Darren Lamb, Andy's agent played by actor/writer Stephen Merchant. I mean, there is honestly no way for me to describe him and do him justice, so I'm just going to let the character speak for himself (warning NSFW due to brief pen nudity....you'll see)



Now, like any good British comedy series, Extras only lasts for two seasons and, for some reason, a Christmas special. So if you Netflix it you won't have to take too much time getting through it. If you've never seen it before let me know what you think. If you have seen it before, well just watch it again dammit.

Oh, and by the way, do you think Chris Martin realizes that he pretty much is as much of a putz in real life as he is on the show?

Take the Edge Off with Tilapia w/ Butter Sauce

I think the plan from now on will be to throw something at you each weekend that has the potential to make you a little bit happier. I figure the things that work for a grouchy bastard like me should probably work for almost everybody else, and if not then oh well there's always next weekend.

This week's happy distraction comes in the form of my favorite of all distractions: food. I'm one of those people who will eat when he's mad, or when he's sad, or when he's bored, or when he's celebrating....OK basically the point here is that I eat a lot. But with my upcoming nuptials, I would like to make sure I can get into my penguin suit without actually being in the shape of a penguin. So I'm always on the lookout for recipes that aren't too fattening but that also don't taste like something you'd find on the bottom of a shoe. Yahoo! Food has a pretty extensive recipe list from all different sources so I'll usually start there, and they came through for me again with tasty recipe for tilapia with almond butter sauce.

Here's the recipe, courtesy of Better Homes and Gardens:

ingredients

• 3 cups snow pea pods, trimmed
• 4 4- to 5-ounce fresh skinless tilapia fillets or other white fish
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1 teaspoon all-purpose flour
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1/4 cup sliced almonds

directions

1. In a large saucepan bring lightly salted water to boiling. Add pea pods. Cook for 2 minutes. Drain and set aside.
2. Meanwhile, season fish with salt and pepper; sprinkle with flour. Cook fish in hot oil for 4 to 5 minutes or until it is easy to remove with a spatula. (If necessary, cook fish half at a time.) Gently turn fish and cook for 2 to 3 minutes more or until fish flakes easily when tested with a fork. Place peas on serving plates; arrange fish on top of peas.
3. Reduce heat to medium. Add butter to skillet. When butter begins to melt, stir in almonds. Cook for 30 to 60 seconds or until nuts are lightly toasted (do not let butter burn). Spoon butter mixture over fish fillets.
4. Makes 4 servings

I think one of my favorite things about this recipe is that it's so damn easy. Anyone who can boil water can make the peas and in my experience fish is pretty hard to overcook. The only potentially tricky part is the almond butter sauce because as the directions say you don't want to burn the butter. The trick there is to use a the smallest pan that you have so that the butter melts quickly without burning, and to really keep an eye on the almonds so that you can get them off as soon as they're ready. Other than that, this is a really simple meal that you can cook and seem like you really know your shit in the kitchen.

Plus, tilapia makes for a very mild-tasting fish so you don't have to worry about whether it will be too strong for people who don't like seafood. I suggest buying Roasted Garlic Caesar-flavored Almond Accents brand of sliced almonds. I admittedly got lucky when I picked these up because I was just guessing as to what would be a good choice, but these things really do add a nice bit of extra flavor to the meal.

Now, yes, I do realize that I could probably do better than a recipe with melted butter, flour, and almonds when looking for a low-calorie meal. But keep in mind that I once learned a way to "enhance" my snacking experience with 3-D Doritos (remember those?) by biting off a corner and filling it up with spray cheese from a can. The simple fact that a) I haven't already had a triple bypass surgery and b) I'm at least looking for things that are low-calorie is a pretty big accomplishment. And I can guarantee that if my fat ass enjoys the flavor then you'll probably enjoy it as well. So give it a try, and let me know in the comments how you liked it if you do.

Take the Edge Off with Florence and the Machine

Without ways to distract myself from the irritations of the world, I'd probably end up popping a vein in my neck and dying a messy, agonizing death. Alcoholism runs rampant in my family, so booze isn't an option. That's why I'm always keeping an eye out for things to reduce my heart rate a bit, and I wouldn't be much of a guy if I didn't share them with you to enjoy as well.

Florence and the Machine is the name given to artist Florence Welch and her varying array of supporting musicians. I first heard about Florence and the Machine through an interview Welch did on NPR. Now, for those of you who would automatically dismiss the hipster crap they usually throw at you on public radio, please know that usually I am the exact same way. But as I listened to the interview (which you can catch here) I found myself intrigued by this quiet little British girl talking about her time playing music at old, abandoned supermarkets that had been taken over by squatters.

So later on at home I went to Pandora's website to see if they had any Florence and the Machine in their database, and sure enough they did. The first song that played was "Cosmic Love," and within two minutes I was completely sucked in. Welch's voice is that perfect mix of melodic talent combined with guttural passion that gets me every time. She actually reminds me of a punk rock version of Enya, of whom I'm also a big fan. Snicker all you want but as I said I'm always looking for things to calm me down and Enya is nothing if not calming. Welch's style, however, takes Enya's soothing melody and backs it up with a hefty dose of balls, especially in "Cosmic Love." By the third round of the chorus, Welch is practically screaming the lyrics, but her voice still has the same beauty and femininity as when she quietly talks during an interview.

Perhaps the most impressing aspect of Florence and the Machine is that their first album, Lungs, is the rare album that I can listen to from start to finish. Usually, I will only be interested in one or two songs on an album, even from my favorite bands, but that's not the case with Lungs. Obviously, there are songs that I like more than others. "Cosmic Love" is definitely my favorite, "Dog Days Are Over" is a great song to listen to while running, and "Kiss With a Fist" is great if you just want something to bounce your head to. But honestly, there is not one song on the album that I would call a dud. And I think a lot of that has to do with Welch's voice. I don't have anywhere near the musical background to say whether or not she's actually a good lyricist or even a good musician (she, in fact, claims to be a terrible musician). But her voice is so damn haunting that I could probably listen her sing about a list of groceries.

Now, apparently Lungs has been around since July of last year, and Florence and the Machine has had gigs on Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman, so I may be late to the party on this one. But if you haven't heard of Florence and the Machine, do yourself a favor and give a listen to the song below, and I'm guessing you'll be downloading the rest of the album and looking forward to their next album due out in 2011. And if this does turn out to be the first time you've heard them, I expect a thank you.