Have a Groovy Labor Day

With Labor Day coming up I'm taking a trip with Ms. Grump down to Rehoboth Beach to get my camp on. Before I go, however, I wanted to direct you to an interview I read this morning that Bruce Campbell did with the LA Times. Campbell, of course, is Ashley "Ash" Williams, the man behind the S-Mart smock in Sam Raimi's Evil Dead trilogy. And if you don't know what I'm talking about there, please just do me a favor and leave right now.

The interview is great, if for nothing else than to see that it seems Campbell has basically become Ash over the years. He's a bit more subtle, perhaps, but he's got that bit of an arrogant swagger that you just can't help but love. Plus, in the interview, he addresses the fact that there have been about 314 different releases of the Evil Dead movies, with the latest being the new Blu-Ray edition.

Enjoy the interview, and a few of Ash's greatest hits from Army of Darkness below. I'm out, bitches.

Jeff Bridges To Follow Up Success Of Playing A Grizzled Drunk.....By Playing Another Grizzled Drunk

In what looks like an attempt by Jeff Bridges to get in another movie role without having to cut his hair or shave, he will be taking on the role of Rooster Cogburn in the Coen Brothers' remake of True Grit. While I loved Bridges in Crazy Heart and I have yet to see a Coen Brothers movie that I didn't like (although Burn After Reading was a bit odd), I just don't really see the point to making this movie. According to Ethan Coen, they wanted to make the movie a more faithful to the 1968 novel than to the film made famous by John Wayne:

It's partly a question of point-of-view. The book is entirely in the voice of the 14-year-old girl. That sort of tips the feeling of it over a certain way. I think [the book is] much funnier than the movie was so I think, unfortunately, they lost a lot of humour in both the situations and in her voice. It also ends differently than the movie did. You see the main character — the little girl — 25 years later when she's an adult. Another way in which it's a little bit different from the movie — and maybe this is just because of the time the movie was made — is that it's a lot tougher and more violent than the movie reflects. Which is part of what's interesting about it.

Alright, well then why don't we just let people read the book? I think I'm just disappointed to see the Coen Brothers entering remake territory. Plus, I think it needs to be said that John Wayne is overrated. He made an entire career out of acting manly and speaking with what can only be described as a mild speech impediment. So I really don't think we need a remake of any of his movies, especially considering that most of his diehard fans will probably be outraged at the idea.

That being said, I'm sure if I can get over my general distaste for remakes and anything associated with John Wayne, I'll probably like the movie. After all, we remember what happened the last time Jeff Bridges teamed up with the Coen Brothers, now don't we?

Top 7 Scenes That Made The Movie

Yay! I finally got around to doing a list! I hope you're as excited as I am. For my first ever list, I wanted to explore movie scenes that makes a bad movie good, or even a good movie great. These were just the seven that Mrs. Grump to Be and I could think of in one afternoon, so feel free to mention any of the scores of others that I'm sure we missed. Oh, and these are in absolutely no order what so ever.


Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome--"Two men enter! One man leaves!"

This scene, quite frankly, marks the final good scene in this movie. If they would have just ended the movie here and skipped the following hour or so of Mel Gibson talking to a rabble of really annoying orphans, I'd be perfectly happy. I know the movie would only be around 40 minutes long, but it would be a worth-while 40 minutes, with some great back and forth between Mel and Tina Turner leading up to the epic battle below. They could even change the title to simply Mad Max: Thunderdome.



A Life Less Ordinary--"Shoot him in the back of the head."

This entire movie is actually pretty good, but this is the only scene that pops into my head when I think of it. Between Holly Hunter's disgusting bounty hunter/angel (I don't feel like explaining that just watch the movie), a really great R.E.M. song called "leave", and Ewen McGregor's classic reaction to having a body fall on him (2:35 mark), I could watch this 5 minutes of a movie over and over again with a big smile on my face.



The Dark Knight--"Excuse me, I want to drive."

OK, now before you start shouting (or typing in all caps) that The Dark Knight is too complete a movie to be made by just one scene, let me say that I thought the same thing when Mrs. Grump to Be suggested the below scene for the list. Yes, the entire movie is a fucking masterpiece. But think back to when you first saw it in the movie theater, as after watching one of the most epic chase sequences in cinematic history you take in the climax: a full-sized tractor trailer does a somersault and lands upside down. Batman, instead of just hitting the breaks and turning around, decides he's so badass that he's going to turn around by having his Batpod climb up and down a fucking wall and slam down on the pavement. And scene.....how's your mind? Blown? So yes, this scene pushed the movie from great to all-time great.



Role Models--"It's a crown!"

OK, I've been trying to find the right way to describe this scene with no success, and the trailer below using the scene to spoof Lord of the Rings is of little use. So I'm just going to tell you why this scene is so awesome: during the final "battle," Bobb'e J. Thompson, a 10 year old black kid dressed like Gene Simmons, cheers on friend Christopher Mintz-Plasse's character with an inspiring cry of "Fuck his shit up, Augie!"



Mother--"Hello?" "It's still me, Mother."

I actually tried to watch this movie recently because I remember really liking it. But about 30 minutes in I realized I was getting pretty bored so I gave up on it. What never gets old, however, is the sequence featured at the end of the trailer where Debbie Reynolds tries to use her call waiting (2:15 mark).




Manhunter--"Stop it!"

This scene is actually what inspired me to write this list. This whole movie is great, but this scene is what makes it a classic for me. William Peterson crashes through a window kamakazi-style into the waiting arms of mutant-looking serial killer Tom Noonan, all to the soundtrack of Iron Butterfly's "In A Gadda Da Vida." Try finding that in the weak remake with Edward Norton. You will not find it, and that is why it's crap.

Saturday Cartoons Hit The Big Screen, Drive Me Into Madness

Hm, a movie version of Garfield voiced by Bill Murray. Seems kind of lame, but it could be good, right?

Wow, this looks pretty bad. The CGI is lame and the biggest laugh in the trailer seems to be watching a rodent crap on the furniture. Eh, whatever.

Wait, what? None of the 7 people who watched the first one even liked it. And why did Bill Murray agree to do another one? I mean, he won't do another Ghostbusters but he'll do another fucking Garfield? I just don't get it.
Oh, now come on. There was absolutely nothing redeeming about the first movie. It's officially time to give this stuff a rest, guys.
Alright, assholes. I swear to God if you pull this shit one more time I'm going to shoot myself in the head.
Blam!

William Zabka: Evolution of a Cinematical Cockbag

I found this story by the Huffington Post today about the phenomenon of the bully in 80's movies, and my first thought was how sad it is that I know and often quote all but one or two of the movies represented in the video montage. My second thought was how great it is that actor William Zabka made up about 40% of all the bullies who make an appearance. Anyone even remotely versed in 80's movies probably knows Zabka as Johnny Lawrence, leader of everyone's favorite group of violent sociopaths from the Cobra Kai dojo.

But that's not all Zabka has done. He's primarily known for three movies from the 80s: The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, and Back to School (all quality films, by the way). And in all three of those movies, the phrase "arrogant dickhead" plays a key role in his characterization. But I think what makes Zabka's progression as an 80s movie douche bag so interesting is that instead of amping up the menace factor, he actually becomes substantially more effete in each movie.

First, look at The Karate Kid. Essentially, he spends the majority of the movie trying to beat a small Italian boy to death for looking at his girlfriend the wrong way. You've probably already seen the following clip of Johnny and his fellow Cobra Kai dressed as skeletons while doling out what must be the 3rd or 4th severe beating to walking punching bag Daniel LaRusso, but take one more look and carefully consider what the kick at 1:15 of the video would have done had it connected:



He was running full-tilt to kick a person in the face that could no longer stand under his own power. Without Mr. Myagi's interference, how does that sequence of events end in anything less than voluntary manslaughter? I mean, I know it's Ralph Macchio and all so I understand the rage, but isn't that still just a bit too harsh? Suffice to say, this was not a man with whom to fuck.

Part two in the trilogy sees Zabka bulking up to play more of the classic style of weight-lifter jock for the gender-swap comedy Just One of the Guys. Now, physically he made for a much more intimidating presence, but aside from lifting weights he doesn't seem to be all that competent in committing manly/violent acts. In fact, his most menacing display is to take a girl dressed up as a boy and throw her into some bushes. When he actually finds himself in a fist fight with one of the skinniest males in the entire school, he winds up getting his ass handed to him. And this was even after sucker-punching the kid. In reality, someone who lifts as many weights as Greg Toland was purported to have lifted should be able to not only knock someone out with a sucker punch, but probably do some critical damage to the face and skull. Instead, the guy just stands up, shakes it off, and proceeds to pummel this supposed bully and leave him in a heap on the ground. Plus, on a side note, everyone seems to point out that Toland has smaller-than-average genitalia. And how can anyone with a small penis possibly be a threat?

I'm going to kick your ass, geek. What? No, I don't need tweezers to pee. Why does everyone ask me that?

Back to School represents Zabka's final foray into bullydom, but this time he's only a bully in the loosest sense of the word. First of all, his name is Chas Osborne, and his sport of choice is diving. This sounds more like the lead in gay porn than it does an 80s villain. Plus, rather than beating the shit out of everything with a pulse, he spends most of the time making snarky comments and getting his balls busted by the likes of Robert Downey, Jr. And then there's his hair. In what world could this possibly be even the least bit threatening:

Chas Osborne could wipe out entire villages with nothing but his balls and I still would not be intimidated by him if he had that haircut while he did it.

So what happened? I guess when you start of as a maniacal psychopath there really isn't anywhere to go but down. I guess you could say he was trying to portray a more sympathetic, vulnerable villain later in his career. You could also say that he had a choice jack and shit in his movie role offers and he had to make due. But really, it doesn't matter. Effeminate or not, William Zabka will always be a staple in the land of the 80s asshole, and the best part is that he's completely in on the joke. If you've remember the video for flash in the pan band No More Kings and their song "Sweep the Leg," you might be surprised to know that aside from starring in it, Zabka directed it as well. So whether you are a homicidal martial artist or a bitchy diving prima donna, I salute you, sir.

Take the Edge Off with Hot Fuzz

I seem to be on a kick with British comedians' "other" work. Last week I featured some of the highlights from Ricky Gervais' Extras, a show that I will defend to the death as being better than the UK version of The Office. I do realize that this may just be because The Office seems to be the show of choice for hipster cock knockers who are too cool for "broad" comedy. Oh I see, we're all above a nice fart joke, are we? Well I hope you get hit by a car the next time you're riding your retro bicycle through downtown traffic you messenger bag-toting, ironic mustache-sporting Commie asshat. You suck.

Soooo....anyway, this week I'd like to move from British TV to British movies and highlight Hot Fuzz, the second movie directed by Edgar Wright and starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Their first movie, Shaun of the Dead, is often hailed as one of the best horror-comedies of all time while Hot Fuzz seems to have gone off by the wayside. Now, I do understand the love for Shaun. Usually horror-comedies wind up being abysmal failures, but Wright, Pegg, and Frost manage to pull off the seemingly impossible task of combining scary and funny. However, I'm just going to have to say it: I like Hot Fuzz more than Shaun of the Dead.

There was a period of time when I'd watch Hot Fuzz about once a month with Mrs. Grumpy-to-Be, and it got funnier every time. I think that's what takes it to the next level for me as compared to Shaun of the Dead. I could watch it every day for a week and I'd probably find something new to laugh at that I'd missed the first time.

For example, in a quick but brilliant cameo by Bill Nighy as the head of the London police force, he makes this very subtle snarl after giving his line that I didn't notice until probably my 5th or 6th viewing (I told you I've seen it a lot). Now you may not give a shit about a facial gesture, but this is my blog so nuts to you.



Another thing that Hot Fuzz has over Shaun is a superior villain. In fact, aside from the whole army of zombies thing, Shaun doesn't really have a villain. Hot Fuzz, however, has Simon Skinner:



Skinner is played by everyone's least favorite Bond, Timothy Dalton, but after his turn as Simon Skinner he gets a lifetime pass from me. Actually I don't think I've ever seen anything else he's been in but he's still fucking awesome now. Simon Skinner is one of those villains that is on par with Shooter "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast" McGavin, where he is such an asshole that by the end of the movie you actually kind of like him. I mean, this is a guy who actually takes the time to come up with a song relevant to the crime he just committed so that he can drive by the crime scene later on and sneer at the police. How can you not love that?

Now, please don't expect Hot Fuzz to change your outlook on life, because then you'll be disappointed and I'll have to read comments about how I don't know shit when it comes to movies. The movie didn't win any Academy Awards, and I doubt that was ever anyone's goal. It's a homage to the violent buddy cop genre made famous by Lethal Weapon, and I think to that end it hits all of the right notes. It's basically a way to waste a couple of hours with a big smile on your face, and I'll always recommend anything that manages to put a smile on my face. So enjoy a montage of a few more clips and then go see the rest of the damn movie. If don't like it, then give it one more try. If you still don't think it's funny, then you're probably one of those aforementioned hipster cock knockers. Never come here again.

Grumpy Movie Review: Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

I tried something a little new this weekend with Mrs. Grumpy-to-be. Normally, we have movie tastes that are close enough that we can agree on something to watch together. However, this usually means that, as a horror fan, I have to forgo most of the new genre films that come out because that's the one thing that my lady just doesn't have the stomach for. This time, though, we decided to go on a movie date where we watch different movies. And I gotta say, I think we're on to something here. That's why I'm excited to bring you a movie review for the first horror movie I've seen in the theaters in three or four years, Michael Bay's remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

First, let me address the elephant in the room when it comes to today's trend in horror movies: the remake. I grew up watching the staples of the horror genre: A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Hellraiser, and of course the gaggle of sequels churned out by each franchise. So to have to sit and watch Michael "Make Things Go Boom" Bay gobble up all of the rights to these movies just so he can profit off of the name is pretty heart-wrenching. You know damn well the movies won't be as good as the original, but the name has the power to make us buy a ticket even though we will probably walk away disappointed. And here is where I think Michael Bay has horror fans of my generation by the balls. Being born in 1984, I wasn't even alive for the premiere of most of these movies, and I was way too young to go have my parents take me to the theater to see any of the sequels. So, I had to make do either waiting for them to come out on TV or by renting them on video. I never really got to experience the event of going out, cheerily buying overpriced popcorn, and seeing these icons on the big screen. The remakes coming out today give us a chance to do so.

Now when it comes specifically to remaking A Nightmare on Elm Street, there were a couple of other factors that intrigued me. Firstly, modern special effects would allow for more creativity when playing with the dream sequences in the movie. Even though the effects in the original movie were pretty damn creative for their day, I could see a case for improved visuals with updated technology and I wanted to see if director Samuel Bayer could utilize them well. After watching the movie, I can say that in some ways he did, and in some ways he really, reeeeeeally didn't. When it came to developing a frightening atmosphere, the effects were right on the mark. We see a classroom full of students disintegrate into ash as one of the teens (I really don't feel like remembering who was who) falls asleep during school. We watch blood burst in a torrent from the ceiling (a nod to the blood volcano from the original, perhaps?). And the line between reality and dream is constantly blurring in a way that just wasn't possible when the original movie was produced. However, as often happens in horror movies nowadays, computer-generated imagery (CGI) was very overused. The drawback to CGI is that 9 times out of 10, I can tell that it's CGI. Freddy's make up is the prime example for this movie. I read that they were going for a look that more closely resembled the effects of being badly burned which I supposed they needed to do through CGI, but if you know that's what you're looking at then it's that much harder to pretend it's real and get lost in the movie.

This shit is seamless...as long as I don't move or speak.

Speaking of Freddy, the other thing that interested me about the new Nightmare was the choice of Jackie Earle Haley as the new Freddy Krueger. Now, for most fans of the original movies, casting someone other than Robert Englund as Freddy automatically counts for strikes one, two, and three. But if they were going to recast the role, I really can't think of anyone better than Jackie Earle Haley. I was as surprised as anyone when they cast Kelly Leak from the Bad News Bears as Rorshach for the recent film adaptation of The Watchmen, but I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone else who could turn a small, skinny redhead into such a believable badass. So why couldn't he do the same for Freddy? Unfortunately, his role was usually just a Robert Englund impression of hammy one-liners. Haley does alright with this but it seems a bit forced. He really shines through, however, when Freddy's rage boils over. Just as with Rorshach, a pissed off Jackie Earle Haley is a terrifying Jackie Earle Haley. But Freddy rarely reaches that point, so Haley's abilities were squandered.

***Spoiler Alert*** The writers also waste what appears to be a good opportunity to make their own unique vision of Freddy Krueger. In the original films, Freddy was a evil child killer before and after he was killed by the parents of Springwood. In the updated version, more emphasis is put on Freddy as a pedophile rather than a murderer, and throughout the movie they toy with the idea that maybe Kruger was innocent and wrongly accused and murdered by overanxious parents. This idea is dropped, however, when we learn that Freddy was indeed guilty and deserved whatever he got. But I can't help wonder if it wouldn't have been more interesting had they made the movie their own by making the human incarnation of Freddy be innocent. Now, the Freddy that haunts our dreams should not be a sympathetic character. We all know and love Freddy as a sadistic demon who will psychologically and physically torture his victims. But what of this demon was created not by the inherent evil of a man, but by the actions of those who thought he was evil. I don't know, it's just a thought. ***End Spoiler***

Now, as remakes go, this one wasn't terrible. The obligatory twenty-something actors playing teenagers were all passable, I had a good time with the various surprise scares, the gore left me satisfied, and honestly I just enjoyed the nostalgic value of bringing back something fun from my childhood (screw you normal people and your Sesame Street). If you can put aside the fact that Michael Bay probably had no business making the movie in the first place, you can probably get some entertainment out of it. If you don't need to make an event out if it like I did, however, you might just want to wait for it to come out on DVD. Grade: C+

The Grumpy Movie Review: The Hurt Locker

As part of my general theme of having no clue of what to do with this blog, I'm establishing yet another segment on top of the Quick Complaint of the Week. I figured this would be a good way of showing whoever reads this blog that I do indeed provide more for the world than just bitching and moaning. That is, of course, unless the movie is bad enough to require me to bitch and moan about it.



To kick off this new segment, I figured what better movie to review than the one voted the top movie of the year by those fine folks at the Academy (pff, right), Kathryn Bigelow's The Hurt Locker. I recently Netflix'd the dvd (God I love Netflix) and it made for a pretty damn entertaining watch. By the way, before we get started with the actual review, let me give you fair warning that I'm still new to the idea of writing about something while not giving too much away, so here's your blanket spoiler alert to cover pretty much the whole review. I'll do my best to mark the point of a spoiler, but honestly, if I ruin anything for you I'm not going to lose a whole lot of sleep about it.

The movie's opening sequence introduces us to an Explosive Ordinance Disposal (EOD) team in Iraq on the scene of a potential roadside bomb. Sergeant JT Sanborn (Anthony Mackie) and Specialist Owen Eldridge (Brian Geraghty) provide support for team leader Staff Sergeant Matt Thompson (Guy Pearce...who knew he was in this?). As they set about their work, two things are established. First, Kathryn Bigelow is a master at creating suspense. Second, if you are a famous British actor in this film **Spoiler Alert** you're going to die very quickly **End Spoiler**

Each event in the opening sequence tells us that Sergeant Thompson is pretty much screwed. The wheel of the team's remote-controlled wagon falls off, which means he'll have to go and personally rig the explosives to blow safely. Sergeant Sanborn makes a note of when he is within the kill zone of the bomb so we know that we're even closer to a big kaboom. On top of all of this we have several people intently observing the scene, and each of them seems to be doing his own interpretation of the stock villain in a top hat evilly twirling his mustache, so who knows which one is the real bad guy. Now, Bigelow could have just gone for the easy shock, throwing in an explosion out of no where and giving the audience a sudden jolt and a need for a change of underwear. But by tipping the audience off little by little as the scene progresses, Bigelow can toy with us, making us go nuts waiting for that inevitable explosion.

Later in the movie, we get another dose of equal parts suspense/famous English actors taking a dirt nap when the team meets a group of British mercenaries led by Lord Voldemort himself, Ralph Fiennes (no one really cares what his character's name is in the movie do they?). When a sniper begins picking off members of the mercenary squad, the shots come from so far away that the bullets hit their targets before we even hear them. So while Voldemort starts to take aim to return fire, we know it's only a matter of time before he eats a shit sandwich, but not knowing exactly when is a racks your nerves in the best possible way.

The other great thing that this movie has going for it is some great casting choices. Besides the Brits who serve as the Iraq war equivalent of "red shirt" ensigns from Star Trek, we get a main cast that most people probably never heard of before this movie, but probably will quite a bit in the future. Jeremy Renner plays Staff Sergeant William James, replacement for the very dead Sergeant Thompson. As the typical plays-by-his-own rules-and-apparently-has-a-deathwish Sergeant James, Renner essentially channels Mel Gibson's Martin Riggs. He casually puts himself and others in harms way while shooting a few good one-liners and slowly fraying around the edges, which really isn't all that original. But hey, it works. Renner is very likeable and adds just enough depth to the character that he doesn't quite fall into cliche. Two relative unknowns in Mackie and Gergarghty provide support for Renner, and they were both very serviceable acting as the two straight men. The scene where the three soldiers get drunk after a day on the job gets a bit more wild and violent than your average happy hour gathering, but as someone who has friends who've served in the military I can attest that the representation of such steam-venting is pretty realistic.

Which brings me to a point of debate over The Hurt Locker: does the movie accurately portray the life of an EOD squad in Iraq? I listened to a story on the radio recently that featured actual bomb disposal soldiers complain that James' cavalier attitude towards bomb disposal is not indicative of a real soldier's concern for safety and protocol, and that it's aggravating to watch a character portrayed that way. My take on this point is fairly simple: I really don't give a shit how accurate the movie is or isn't. I've never been to Iraq and I've never even seen a bomb up close, much less disarmed one, so accuracy really isn't on my radar for a movie like this. Plus, even if I normally would be inclined to pick up inaccuracies, I'm not going to walk into a movie from the director of Point Break and expect to gain encyclopedic knowledge of the military culture.

Pictured above: a typical day for an FBI agent

I would say my only real complaint with The Hurt Locker is that it never really goes anywhere. I realize that's kind of the point in that we aren't meant to take away any kind of commentary on the war in Iraq, but rather just view the day-to-day lives of the soldiers who serve there. But when I was done watching the movie, I found it left me wanting. To be honest I'm not even quite sure what it is that left me unsatisfied. Maybe I had my expectations set too high since I saw it after it won the Oscar for best picture, which I'll admit is a pretty stupid reason to have really high hopes for a movie. I went into the movie expecting something that no one has ever done before with a movie about Iraq, and while it delivered in that aspect insofar as no movie about Iraq has taken the straight action movie approach, it's still something we've seen time and time again in other straight action movies. But again, that doesn't mean it was entertaining. Grade: B+.