Sons of Anarchy To Return In September, Grump To Pee His Pants With Giddiness

Seeing this was probably the highlight of my day. I realize that's a bit sad, but hey, I've been waiting a long ass time for the return of SAMCRO. If you want to know what the hell SAMCRO means, then start watching. Screw Tony Soprano and his band of knuckleheads. If I wanted to watch bad Italian stereotypes I'd go to South Philly. Watch Sons of Anarchy, if for no other reason than it's got Hellboy in it AND Gerry Bertier from Remember the Titans.

Saturday Cartoons Hit The Big Screen, Drive Me Into Madness

Hm, a movie version of Garfield voiced by Bill Murray. Seems kind of lame, but it could be good, right?

Wow, this looks pretty bad. The CGI is lame and the biggest laugh in the trailer seems to be watching a rodent crap on the furniture. Eh, whatever.

Wait, what? None of the 7 people who watched the first one even liked it. And why did Bill Murray agree to do another one? I mean, he won't do another Ghostbusters but he'll do another fucking Garfield? I just don't get it.
Oh, now come on. There was absolutely nothing redeeming about the first movie. It's officially time to give this stuff a rest, guys.
Alright, assholes. I swear to God if you pull this shit one more time I'm going to shoot myself in the head.
Blam!

Take The Edge Off With The Peek-A-Boo Revue

So, if anyone ever asks me what makes Mrs. Grump to Be so great and I don't have time to get into the extensive list of why she's far too good for me, I think all I need to do is explain what she did this weekend for our last anniversary before becoming husband and wife. She could have made me find an overpriced French restaurant and buy her even more overpriced roses. She could have made me wear an uncomfortable suit and listen to snooty music. Instead, she came up with the idea of taking me and some of our friends to a BURLESQUE SHOW.

And this, my friends, was one hell of a show. The troupe is called the Peek-A-Boo Revue, and aside from the primary attraction of ladies revealing their boobies, it was genuinely entertaining. The hosts, Count Scotchula and Joey Martini, overcome a couple of really stupid names by being extremely funny. They were self-deprecating, improvised well, and just really seemed to be enjoying themselves. I know, it's a real stretch to imagine two guys enjoying being a part of a T & A extravaganza, but it's true.

It also helped that apart from being attractive and willing to disrobe, the ladies in the show were great performers. They could dance (and not just of the "pole" variety) and some of them could sing. Not to say that some tried and couldn't, just that some just stuck to dancing. The ladies were also really funny. One girl in particular, Christa Dagger, seemed to pop up in every other sketch and play everything from an ex dancer from In Living Color to a Liza Minnelli impersonator who is far more entertaining than Liza Minnelli.

And, yes, I'd be completely full of shit if I didn't point out that I really enjoyed watching some quality stripping. There was a wide variety of women who all brought something a little different to their teases. But what made it fun was that none of them seemed to be uncomfortable. It wasn't a dark, smoky room filled with drunken frat boys stuffing dollar bills down the underwear of a girl trying to pay her bills. These ladies were enjoying themselves, which made the whole spectacle much more fun and, dare I say it, sexy.

So, I realize that the intent of "Take the Edge Off" is to introduce you to things that you might enjoy, and that is going to be kind of hard for an act that sticks mainly to the Philly area. But I'm sure you can find a burlesque show in a city near you. It might be as good as Peek-A-Boo Revue, and it might not. To be honest, I don't care. I just wanted to tell everyone that I went to a burlesque show. And it was awesome. And I have the most awesome fiance on the planet. Suck on that, losers.

Philly Tow Truck Drivers: Kings Among Men

Did you ever read a story online about a group of people in the midst of conflict, and in the comments section there's always that guy who just says to "Nuke them all," or "They should all be killed," or some other dumbass statement used to dismiss an entire group of people? It really bothers me when people do that. It's a display of hatred and xenophobia at its worst, and that attitude has no place in civilized society. If we still have people who think in such broad, ignorant terms, then how are we ever going to move forward as a culture? With that being said, I do believe the following statement is true: All tow truck drivers in Philadelphia should be shot in the face.

Not once in any interaction I've seen or had with a tow truck driver did think the guy was anything other than a flaming asshole. Last year two friends of mine were mistakenly towed from my parking lot and the next morning when we went to go pick them up, we found that one of the cars had a flat tire. When we pointed this out to the tow truck driver who brought the car out, he gave us a grumble of "Let me go talk to my boss" and went inside. We never saw the motherfucker again. We even called the cops, who were very helpful in telling us that we were essentially shit out of luck. It's comforting to know that that every white trash family with a towing company is above the law now.

The one good thing that I can take from this is that since there is no law in the world of towing, the competition between towing companies has now degraded into shooting each other and lighting their competitors' locations on fire. Just this week a driver for J & Son's Towing shot another driver from Mystical Towing over an argument about who got to tow a car from an accident scene. Now it appears that Mystical Towing has taken the logical legal recourse of setting fire to about a dozen cars impounded in J & Son's lot. J & Son's, not wanting to be outdone but wanting to stick with their firearms theme, allegedly shot six rounds into Mystical's building while the owners were in it.

The only people that I feel bad for in all of this are the people who are paying for these companies' "services." You have to think, these are all people who have either been in a car accident or have had some kind of debilitating malfunction in their car. They're going to be late or completely miss whatever they had planned for the day, and it's just a really shitty situation. Now, let's add on to that being witness to a shooting, or finding that your car has a more flame damage or bullet holes than it did before it made it's way into the impound lot.

Yes, I'm sure there are plenty of kind, honest tow truck drivers in the world. But I have yet to see any that work for the city of Philadelphia. I'll give AAA credit for having solid drivers, but according to a caller on the radio yesterday, some of these local companies show up after you call AAA, claim to be on of their drivers, and the next thing you know you've got a bill of several hundred bucks for services that you thought were going to be free. My only hope is that the apparent turf war that has sprung up this week forces Philly to take a closer look at the towing racket in this city, because it seems these guys can just get away with anything and it's really getting nauseating.

Everybody Sucks But Me, Day 5: Around The Horn...What Happens When A Piece Of Shit Station Craps Out A New Piece Of Shit

Let me begin today by just giving a tip of the hat to all of you bloggers who do so on a daily basis. Between work and pretending that I actually have a life, finding anything to talk about for five days in a row is a daunting task. Hence, the cop out yesterday.

Today, however, I want to give detailed insight into a piece of pop culture that aggravates me so much that it's actually the reason I started Everybody Sucks But Me in the first place. Let me begin by saying that I'm not a very good male because I think ESPN is an absolutely useless waste of television airtime. I really don't need to hear two guys who were probably picked last in every sport they ever played tell me what to think about the world of sports. How people can sit in front of Sportcenter for hours at a time is completely beyond me.

But of all the crap shows on ESPN, Around the Horn makes the rest look like insightful Pulitzer Prize nominees. For anyone unfamiliar with this show, Around the Horn features douchebag host Tony Reali as he takes four equally douchey, but excessively more pathetic, sports writers to give their take on current sports headlines. The twist is, however, that Reali serves as a mediator/judge as these four losers compete for more time to speak through several rounds of topics. After each round one loser will prove his loserdom by being eliminated for having the least number of points. Points, by the way, are given out by Reali himself, who is apparently utilizing the criteria of which of these idiots can be the most obnoxious, who makes the most inane references, and most likely whoever gave Reali the best reach-around within the last month.

By far, the most irritating part of this show is Tony Reali, who started his ESPN on-air career as the "stat boy" for another masterpiece, Pardon the Interruption. In this case, I think "stat boy" derives from the typical requests he must have gotten to "Shut the fuck up...stat!" But now he's the host, and he's going to milk his position of power for every last fucking drop.

I defy you to find me a face more worthy of having a brick thrown at it.

You can tell he absolutely savors the chance to make these sorry assclowns dance for him as he sanctimoniously dictates the show, muting panelists whenever he feels like it and throwing his worthless two cents in at every corner. He seems like that guy in college who joined a frat within 10 minutes of moving and ate shit from the upper classmen for 3 years until he became a senior and forced freshmen to toss his salad for initiation to prove that they are gay. He is just a worthless human being, and I can't keep talking about him lest I risk vomiting blood.

But really, who's worse, the guy who fucks with people for an entire show or the people who actively let themselves get fucked with for the chance to be on TV? These are all established sports writers from large-market newspapers, and they're letting this weaselly man child treat them like children. It's just too sad. And why do they do this? What could possibly be the brass ring these guys are reaching for every show? The "prize" is 30 seconds of uninterrupted airtime to talk about whatever topic they choose. Wow. So you have your own sports column which I can only assume is read by thousands of people, and you're verbally fighting tooth and nail in order for the privilege of talking for less than a minute. For shame, fellas.

"Yo, broheems. I'll give an extra 5 seconds of airtime to whoever sends me a picture of their dad's foreskin."

I'm not sure how great of an idea this whole Everybody Sucks But Me marathon was, but it was worth it if just one more person knows just how awful Around the Horn is. These guys are pretty much the epitome of everything that is wrong with sports journalism, television, American male culture, and just human beings in general. And anyone who's going to try and tell me that there are far worse things in the world than a harmless sports opinion show, go watch five minutes of banter between Tony Reali and Jay Mariotti and then come back to me. I think you'll admit that McCarthyism wasn't so bad in comparison.

Everybody Sucks But Me, Day 4: Pant, Wheeze, Sob

Just....ran...........too fast..........in too hot......just gonna let Peter Griffin......take this quick one today. Will return for finale tomorrow.....once I've picked up my spleen.



Oh....and just replace America with...everyone...

Everybody Sucks But Me, Day 3: Delaware, The First State For Horrible Driving

While I live in Philadelphia, I have to commute to the southern part of the state, which is a stone's throw away from the very first state in the union, Delaware. If you've ever been there you know it's a beautiful state: beautiful beaches, quiet towns, and, of course, tax free shopping. One thing that I'm not sure people have noticed, however, is that Delaware is home of the dangerous motorists in the country.

Most of you, I'm sure, will debate that the worst drivers are found a little bit further north in New Jersey and New York, but I disagree. The drivers in the tri-state area are aggressive assholes, I'll admit, due to the fact that the area where they drive is far too crowded and will someday soon implode in on itself in a wash of hair gel and unfettered racism. However, most of them manage to pull off their dickfaced driving habits without much of a hitch (what's a 15 car pile-up here and there, between friends?).

Folks in Delaware, on the other hand, are not aggressive. They are just terrible fucking drivers. Every time I see someone blast through a red light, swerve into someone else's lane without signaling, or do anything that just can't be explained other than the driver must be lapsing into a coma, then 9 times out of 10 you can bet your ass that you'll see a Delaware license plate on the back of the car as it cruises towards a fatality statistic.

What I don't get is why Delaware's drivers do so with such blatant incompetency. Wikipedia lists Delaware as having the 6th densest population in the country, which you would think would promote good driving habits since a lot of people in a small area means you need to pay more attention. Maybe they all just said screw it and decided to use motor accidents as a way to thin out the herd a little bit.

Now, fortunately for me I'm not very good at research because I can't find any statistics to either prove or disprove my theory, so I'm going to follow sound American tradition and use my own anecdotal evidence as hard fact and warn everyone to stay away from Delaware motorists. They are a danger to our lives, and must not be allowed to sully our states with their piss poor driving. I'm thinking a large concrete wall that will separate their crappy driving from our decent, God-fearing driving. After all, I can't think of a time when the use of a large concrete wall to separate two parts of a country yielded negative results.